Anyone else want to kill the comedian Carrot top?

I've been away for quite some time. I have quite the week of up's and downs. Work has been a real trial. I spent monday though Friday working half days at Levi's Michigan Avenue store and then after ten am I would have to pull up all my tools and move over to the building known as hell. Boeing International Headquarters. Seems that it has been making big news the last week. Many a news camera passed filming the " new chicago World Headqarters.." whopedy do. What no one is emphasising on is the fact this great new buisness emipre for chicago only created about 100 new jobs for chicago natives. That still have not been annouced to be permanant or temporary. But the news sees its a new Big ass buisness. The media ever corprate controlled shrouds the truth as always. Turns out that out of the 900 plus employees that boeing wanted to bring to chicago from seattle. Maybe a total of 200 accepted the relocate with promises of great new single family lofts in the city as well as suburban houseing provided. Bottom line they felt Chicago is just too dangerous a city for them the crime level is just so much dramatically diffrent from Seattle. It's Ironic their memo of protest reached some of the construction workers here on site but never surfaced to the media. It's rather funny. Well beyond the corrupt world we live in. I have had a few rises and falls my self. First off to many the contrary. My race car.. which is very important to me. I have been waiting for weeks and weeks to get this guy to weld in the roll cage. < the cage is a set of bars welded inside the car degsined to protect the driver in a rollover crash> I ran into him today again! I asked him what the deal was and his only answer was .. um well im taking my car to the track tomorow and I was there Friday as well.. Thats great. He can take his car up and have fun. I have been busting my ass working overtime to pay for the special welding he has to do. And I have not even started my car this summer. It has become very disheartening. I really don't have alot I enjoy as much as my car. Some may not like to hear it but I like my car better than any physical relationship or sex could bring. Nothing mathces the power and the feeling of 2 g's against your body accelerating to the speed of 150 miles per hour in 9 seconds. I miss the feeling of going to a cruise night and having all the people I remember ask me what Ive done now or whats up with the car. Instead Friday night I rode in with a friend of mine and everyone I spoke to had a similar response of oh.. car still in the garage huh? Are you ever gonna get it done? It's really disapointing to hear that wether it be in sarcasm or not. I hate making excuses. I hate saying something is not done. Now I am at the mercy of others and must wait till they can complete their end so I can finish mine. I hate being dependant on others its the one thing I dont think I can handle. Since I was a little kid as far as I can remember I have always been very independent. I know I will never change I know that it hurts me sometimes but most it pushes me further. My parents have reconsiled their diffrences for now. Or so it seems. Last weekend when I was in st. louis I guess they had a talk and things got somewhat straight. I also realised something well more so now that its past. I actually think I miss or regret not going to college. I miss the being on my own with no one to answer to the 4 years of no worries and just school and having fun. It's that part of life that so many of my friends will look back on and say... I remember back in college.. and we had that crazy party where all these girls got naked.. and I will say yeah thats when I was working 12 hour days busting my ass at boeing.. It kind stings.. I almost wish I could just drop it all and go away to school. I wonder at the same time what would I amount to. Would I be any better off than I am now? what if I just wait till I get done with my apprenticeship and go to some classes at night. I will get the same degree right? I just won't have the fun. I kina envy My best bud Dan. He's holding the pressure with school but still having fun. He works at a bar meets all kinds of people he gets out and has a good time. Now he has a great new truck I helped his dad find for him. I guess I just did not have that kind of life for me cut in the cards. I wouldnt have the shit I do now if I went away to schoool I mean how many 22 year olds make 30 k a year with basically no college education and I am not nearly at full pay yet. Im not even making half. I will have a home of my own when im 24 at the latest. I mean it has it's plus that I am working this hard now. But I guess to some extent I miss out on my " child hood" I guess I always have I have had the work ethic in me since I was as young as I could remember. I guess beyond the darkness and the solidarity I was growing up I used my anti social behavior to cover the fact that the only thing I really cared about was working and getting what I really wanted. What I wonder now do I really want it?

Frustration

Another day passes. The weather sucks my hours suck I have no life. In a nutshell I am living the good life. Gotta love that. Well as previously before mentioned.. Dad came back from Texas Sunday. Some of the time he was gone I often questioned if what he muttered was true. Was he gone for good? Was that the end of this family as I know it. Would it be the deciding moment that everything in my life would change? I did not know I found out when he came home. It was some sense of releif. On the other hand as soon as he returned the incestant arguening like children began again between him and mom. Over stupid shit. Mom thought he had taken the income tax refund check with him from last year. We were saving it to put new windows in the house because the ones that are in here now may just as well not exsist. We need new windows bottom line. Beyond all that it turns out when Grandma and Grandpa were finally gone there was a small inheritance. Not much at all to speak of but it was something. My dad has a big heart for his own blood but sometimes it hurts him. He always gives in to his sisters and brothers wishes no matter how big nor small he gives to them before his own childeren or wife. It has always been a staple in my life and I am used to it. However even after 23 years mom still can not grasp it. The little bit of money he got mom felt he should keep and use to fix up the bathroom so we can try and move after the windows. Well he had other Ideas. His sister who gets public aid welfare and just about any goverment subsided bullshit she can.. she wanted his share of the money. Because she pulled out her sob story that she is raising her grandkids. She wants the best for them and blah blah. Bottom line for kids on welfare they are fucking spoiled brats. They get any toy they want they dont sleep at any set hour they do what they want and they go on extravagant nation traveling vacations yearly if not more. It's kina sick that she can some how canive money to take care of these kids and live like a princess and we have to struggle and we have not even been downtown as a family ever in my entire life. My aunt pulled out some bullshit story about how when their brother Rick passed away she claims she souly paid for his funeral and all the bs to accompany it. Well turns out after the fact. He was a disc jocky on a mexican station back in texas and when they heard of what happened they Immedately donated 15k to his fund to help his children and family. Well the fund was in care of his sister because his wife was a diagnosed skitzo. Great family isnt it. So sandy played up her poor me story and dad agreed to give her half of his 3k share. Well the rest left him with 1500 well now hes talking to his younger brother who was trying to find him a nice old car down in texas to bring home. Well he finds a cool ass wagon that needs a little work and gets that for him but unbeknownst to us he sanded it and decided to have it painted because it was faded... smart move.. not. well when dad got down there His brother Junior tells him he needs to get 2500 for the car he paid 500 for because of all the labor and work and time. Bullshit. He found a creative way to screw dad out of the rest of the money. Well mom was furious because she did not think what he did was right. The way dad is looking at it is that the money never exsisted never worry about it its not worht it. I agree partially its more the principal and not the money. He is also claiming that we are crowding him and asking too much of him. He has gotten into this mode where he comes home at 330 goes to his room turns on the tv watches it till 7 showers then goes back and watches till hes asleep. FIne but.. when shit has to get done lets do it. Well when it does its a big inconvinence. And now everything is mom's fault. Just like when mom doesnt have money its dad's fault.. This is what im going on hearing every day. I just hope we come to a concusion soon.

I just lack ...

I just lack all motivation.. Fighting with my best bud tonight. Bad day at work. Tired... ugh Ill ramble later I think ill go to bed

somethings never change

surprise surprise.. My best friend Dan came in today rather unexpectedly from st. louis where he lives now... That was a welcome visit only the fact of me finding out I am still working 12 hour days out at that big boeing job.. that sucked. Then I finally got rid of that police car I stripped out I had in my driveway I am relitively sure my mother will be estatic its gone. I know it. The guy who came to get it was a total billy I mean redneck extraordanare. My sis was in the house kina freakin like who is this hillbilly... well now thats out of the way. Plust I finally got my intake back for my other car. ( The intake takes in the fuel and air mixture to feed the combustion cycle of an engine)* fun fact #1 anyways I got that after a month wait geesh..so I got home and determined I went at it hard puttin it back together.. got some done..other than that Talked to an intresting new friend tonight.. A fellow artist and comic fan.. you know who you are.. Talk to you again soon I hope.. well im off to slumber

Remembering

Somedays when I wake up I see the blue skiesI see the cold rain Some nights when I go to sleep I see the ashes burning to the candles end I see the flames go out I see the dark come in.these are the walls that are my prision ever growing tighter pulling in.When I look up to the sky I see the only thing the salvation that lies betweenYou know what all I've lost is gone Whatever I have found is done I search the skies again to see the one who pulls me in I find whatever I have lost is gone.Every day when I wake up I see what Ive been given I hope to make the best of it. Every night when I go to bed I look at days gone by and I see the mistakes and flaws within.I strive for better I strive for worse I can not find the between I know what I can do is all that you can ever expect from me.When I look up to the sky I see the only thing the salvation that lies betweenYou know what all I've lost is gone Whatever I have found is done I search the skies again to see the one who pulls me in Each day I see the sun rise again sometimes hidden sometimes closed in I see the sun it remebers me I know that it is all I will see. I find these walls closing in pulling closer holding me in. When I fear the dam is about to break I fall to you for all our sake I know that you will be my strength. When I look up to the sky I see the only thing the salvation that lies betweenYou know what all I've lost is gone Whatever I have found is done I search the skies again to see the one who pulls me in Some days I wake up and I see that its one more day to say goodbye to you my strenght is gone I see your eyes pulling away drowning insideSome nights I go to sleep finding you in my dreams always to keep I know you will be there for me even though I can not come back for you.I will wait on the other side no matter the time the place shall be the only one. I will be there for you my own blood you are my brother we are one.

Im back

It's been a while. I have been away for so long. I miss being able to have a life outside of work. I sometimes feel as if im a slave to the system. Every day I try and convince myself that I am against the system I am not one with it. I can be myself and no one can change me. I look at what im doing and I realise that I'm doing notihing more than building corprate america.. well I am building the very thing I despise the thing I blame for the decline of society as we know it. Boeing International Headquarters... whoo whopedy do. As far as life beyond work. I in some form really want to meet more people and find more friends again because lack their of. I have my friends I hold near and dear to me but somedays it just seems as though no one is around. I know that not everyone can make time nor can most everyone live the way my schedule does. I accept that I just would like to have someone to be around every now and again. My best friend is in st louis all the time he comes up here maybe once a year or a few times just for a weekend at a time or so the other friends I have are mostly from racing or cars. I know that its good to have the ones I do but I wish I had more that I could share more a common intrest in. I guess what Im saying Is I need someone I can go hang out with again every now and again. I dont know neccisarily if its a girlfriend or just another guy to hang out with maybe even a girl just to hang out with keeping the sex or anything to that effect totally out of the picture. Im not sure I just know that I am gonna stick my head out there and see what happens. I have found someone I like to talk to online she's very sweet shes from the north side of chicago and there are alot of things I like about her I wont say too much as not to jinx things before they get started. Oh well back to productiveness